How Low Can I Go

The answer is not very.

Last night, the epic snowstorm really got me down. I was like schmlerp, I almost fell on my ass on the ice and this snow is past my kneecaps and all that wine just made my belly hurt with no happy buzz in sight.

(Did you know my inner monologue is italic? Font joke?)

I hate feeling this way. It just makes me want to say hrmph and put on my grandma-iest sweater and mukluks (fake sweater mukluks, not cool eskimo ones). Even cookies can’t fix it.

So I went to my other mode of releasing toxic emotions. Diary times. I hate the word diary, but the word journal makes it sound like I’m out doing cool things, when I’m clearly just being average.

Then I started writing why I was frustrated in my diary and thought, God, this is so stupid! What do I have to complain about? I realized I am actually editing myself in my diary now too. This meaningful, perfection-striving business has gotten too intense. Maybe I need to eat fast food and watch Bravo and get my head on straight. I’m afraid of putting any words that are negative and blase because somehow I’ll slip into a depressing thought spiral. That’s crazy talk.

I love reading my silly, little insipid thoughts from diaries past. I’m about ready to compile the best quotes into a mini book and sell it! They sell a lot worse things to teenage girls, that’s for damn sure.

The point is I can’t keep telling myself that any feelings that aren’t enlightened and fluffy aren’t worth sharing. So I’ll be straight about things that are bugging me right now.

I hate that I still want to eat Doritos.
I hate that I can’t fix friendships that are stuck in awful roadblock places.
I hate that I can’t even go to a bar without a shovel or sleigh right now.
I hate that I don’t live with people who love me.
I hate that I have the best conversations in my head but can’t express myself out loud when it counts.
I hate that Valentine’s Day makes people feel shittier.
I hate that I try to negate my emotions in order to avoid them.
I hate that no matter how much I own, I want to buy more.

So there, I accept that I’m pissy. I’m not even writing a counter-intuitive happy list.
Ok, one note.
I love taking photos of my neighborhood.

Life Archiving

I wish I had more photos of the places where I spent a lot of time. When you go to the same restaurant with your friends every Friday, you don’t think gosh one day we’re not going to be in college anymore and I’ll want to remember what this sticky, dank bar looks like.

Well actually, I kind of do think that way. I’m pre-nostalgic. I think part of being in your 20s is understanding how permanence is something that you’re not going to be friendly with for a long time. So I’m not exactly scrapbooking each day of my life, but I’m trying to capture more of the taken-for-granted aspects.

I haven’t shot much lately. I haven’t gotten loony and taken photos of the bus I ride to work or the Starbucks on the corner, but maybe I should. In a few decades it will show exactly what era I was living in during my intern time. It might be a stretch to think about archiving portions of my life now. But hey, I was supposed to be a librarian.

The edge of my neighborhood

Happy Lists

With risk of offending all the wonderful people in my life, I must declare my grandma is the awesomest creature to ever walk the earth. We don’t need to get into her superior gardening skills, her romp with the junior LPGA, her caramel rolls that could bring tears to my eyes, the eccentric way she speaks with onomatopoeias, etc. She’s sacred.

She taught my mother, another superb being, a great deal of life lessons. They passed their knowledge on to me. Are you ready? It’s really simple.

• If you aren’t happy, you have no one to blame but yourself.
  There are no almost exceptions. Even when terrible things happen, you have to find coping mechanisms to get through it. You don’t have to be happy every day; you just have to try to find the one positive item and hold on for dear life.
• The way he treats you is the way he treats everyone else.
  This was notable while I was encased in the cocoon of high school drama. Still, people spread rumors to tear other people down and better themselves at every age. Most likely if someone has a reputation for being cruel to others, it will come out in their treatment of you, eventually.
• Everyone’s favorite topic is themself.
  This can be good or bad. It’s easy to get people talking by asking them about their kids or their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. It’s a nice way to break the ice. It’s also something I try to keep in check. Wait, did I just rant about my weekend for 15 minutes and never ask a question in return? Yikes.
• Time eases all things.
  Ok, this is Sophocles, but Mom is a big fan of this one. It hurts badly right now, but it will subside. Maybe not entirely, but it will get better. I promise. I know this because I’m (an) old (soul).

From Home is where your Mom is

Like most well-fed, educated, nurtured children, I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. It was a conscious effort to say, Kolleen, your life is wonderful. Shut up.

And I’d sigh and be like ok conscience! But I’ll need a Diet Coke.

I knew being angry or frustrated took a lot more effort. It’s like a slow leaking tire, except you’re the tire and the air is every wonderful emotion you’re letting slide out onto the road. Being happy is easy and it feels good. So damn, I had to try.

So I pulled out a notebook and my favorite pen (probably a Pilot Precise V7) and wrote “Today I Like:” and the date. It started as a slow trickle. It would range from “thunderstorms, honey mustard, free points for attendance, Juanes, blooming tulips” to “coffee dates with friends, having the right to vote, worn in jeans, talking to Mom on the phone, Barbara Kingsolver.” I wrote these religiously. Sometimes the shittier the day, the more amusing the list. “Indoor plumbing, spoon ring, Elvis (my car), Elvis (the legend), the Shell gas station in Lousiana, MO.” I just made up these lists, but they could be real.

I like lists. Maybe lists don’t work for you. Other ideas I used were a photo a day and a magazine/newspaper clipping a day. I encourage all variants. Just make an effort to be happy. Every day.

10 Ridiculous Ambitions

I’m having trouble keeping my mind focused on things I want to accomplish after work. I think the problem with living in this town is that everyone is so big and nerdy that you can get a little down on yourself. Whatever, I’m happy, but I still like to imagine all my alter-egos.

My Top 10 Silly Ambitions

1. Sexy latin singer (ok, Shakira)
   I want to be able to sing while dancing like a snake charmer in 4-inch heels. Unreal!
2. Jewelry maker
   Every time I go to a craft show, like today, I say “I can do that!” I’ve made jewelry — not sure I could make a profit.
3. Novelist
   They are probably all psychos though, right? I am always writing characters in my head, but my plots fall apart after 10 pages. Dang!
4. Meterologist
   Oh yeah, I’d have to learn math and those subjects I rejected from birth. I just think weather is so fascinating.
5. Shoe designer
   As a child it seemed like a good idea, but a waste of my brain. It’s easy to tell I was raised as an intellectual since I shot down fashion dreams at age 8. I can’t deny my obsession or eye for shoes though.


See, I made this headband out of ribbon. I could be an artist, I tell you!

6. Librarian
   Not too ridiculous…but then there’s the matter of how much I talk…and how loudly.
7. Art gallery owner
   Most people know shit about art but still have money and the audacity to buy original pieces. Wouldn’t it be like taking candy from a baby (except in this case, a rich person)?
8. Music promoter
   Except for the fact I despise marketing, it would be so fun to actually sell good music. I don’t know what the deal is, but they push out 90% overproduced, talentless garbage.
9. Yoga instructor
   Wouldn’t that mean your life would always be awesome? Even if it sucks, you just meditate a little and everything’s fine. Om.
10. Cafe owner
    I actually, really, truly want this to be my second career. All I need is baked treats, good fair trade organic coffee and an investor. Then I can eavesdrop on all my patrons and host fundraisers and open mics!

Baking: My Anti-Drug

“Aw man, there’s sweetened condensed milk on the sleeve of my cardigan,” I whined in my head.

It was one of those days that only baking could fix. I had concentrated on the idea of gooey cheddar cheese inside an herb tortilla dripping in hot sauce. I made it the whole cramped, bumpy metro ride home without wanting to end it all. Today even my delicious dinner wasn’t enough.

I wouldn’t say I’m a stress eater. When I’m really stressed I usually just pound caffeine until the shakiness of my hands because distracting. On the other hand when I feel helpless and anxious I usually reach for the cook book and sugar canister. I don’t even need to eat the finished product; it’s the process that calms me.

I know why people are slow foodies. You can enjoy everything more when it was crafted with a loving, human hand. It goes for food, drinks, furniture and whatever else people made hundreds of years ago.

I happen to get the most joy out of quality time spent with my oven. Maybe it’s secretly all the science behind cooking that I ponder but never explore too far. Whatever it is I feel best with my apron tied behind my waist and a big sticky bowl full of batter by my side.

Show Off Your Nerd

I was a party talking about music with some guy and when I threw out an obscure cover of a song, he said “You must read music blogs.” Should I have been offended? No. He knew another music nerd when he saw one. Here’s how to stay up with what the cool kids are listening to.

Get Hyped

I used to try to regularly check the music blogs I stumbled upon. Then I graduated to google reader to manage them all in the same place (more on that later). I was still bogged down with posts of music festival and artists I’ll never get into. Don’t follow this evolution. Make your life easier – use hype machine.

What’s great: You’ll be in tune to the latest singles released from your favorite artists, new artists that are blowing up, and rare/live/remixed original tracks and covers. One day the tracks will be on a music blog for you to download at your leisure and the next they will be archived history. The top music blogs post several entries a day, but this way you can browse the masses.

One day I went through a “Bring On Home To Me” phase…now I have something like 5 versions of it, simply by searching that track in the database of music blogs. The accessibility is crazy. I saw Where The Wild Things Are and was able to come home and download “All Is Love” from a dozen blogs. I feel like I should hold two thumbs up and say, thanks hype machine!

Scrobble, Scrobble

I’ve been singing the praises of Last.fm since I signed up a few years ago. It’s another great place to find new music and engage with other fans. You can tag songs you like in the last.fm scrobbler – a silly name for a great application that tracks the songs you listen to and provides a bio on the artist.

What’s great: You can also create playlists, listen to recommended tracks, stream radio stations and post on friend’s walls. I love the stats the best. You choose the range of time (last 7 days, last 3 months,  etc.) and they will display your top listened tracks and artists. One thing that scared me was the fact I couldn’t hide the embarrassing tracks I listened to, but you learn to embrace it (or just disable scrobbling.) It also will download played tracks from your iPod if you select that option.

Google Even Reads For You

Google reader is a compilation of RSS feeds. If you don’t know what those are, you really better learn. Feeds are just a way of saying the latest information uploaded to a website. They are the quickest way to get this information from a big bulky website such as the New York Times. NYT has several feeds based on your preference. If you only wanted to read their political sections, for instance, you could decide on that option. You’ll usually see an orange icon like the one below on websites that want you to subscribe to their feed.

What’s great: I love the mix I can read. I skim through the national news headlines, an environmental consumer blog (seems like an oxymoron, I know), my brother’s personal blog, Postsecret postcards, a photoblog, etc. It allows so much variety and a lot less clicking and navigating. It can be frustrating to wait for things to load, but overall you can get through much more. You can then share items with your google contacts.

Go play! The internet is your playground and it’s full of free mp3s and information!

Crafting in my generation

This weekend I went to Crafty Bastards, a huge craft show in Adams Morgan. I told myself I wasn’t going to buy anything. HA! As if I have self-control when it comes to kitschy jewelry. I purchased one necklace and got lots of compliments, plus I justify it by saying I’m being a patron of the arts.

Blades of Grass necklace by Brookadelphia

Being around all these crafty hipsters gave me hope for our generation. I think we envy the ability of our grandparents to create things with their own hands. Whether it’s an apple pie from scratch, a rocking chair, or a quilt, we realize the extra dose of love can’t be found in mass-produced goods. There’s just no comparison to homemade. We get sick of the whole web 2.0 world we live in that is so “connected” but ultimately disconnected from personal contact.

Buying a good directly from a person (or via Etsy) is a pretty intimate connection. The whole craft came out of their brain into blood, sweat, tears plus their medium of choice. Sure, I was raised by art lovers, but I think the winds are changing and us kids want to reclaim some craft. I bought nearly all of my gifts from Etsy last Christmas. One seller wrote me to double check my address that was listed differently on my paypal account. It warmed my heart to get a message saying something like: “Hey Kolleen, I’m mailing your purchase today. Enjoy!” because I knew the artist wrote it and not some customer service bot. You think gap.com would do that for you? No way, pal.

So Saturday after I left the craft show, I pulled out my knitting needles and yarn and started on that project. I also finished another project I bought supplies for but hadn’t had energy to start. Let’s just say it involved paint and wood products. Sure, we can’t all be artists, but we can dig deep into our elementary school art class days and get a little paint on our hands. I love the little painted project I made, but I can’t say more because it’s a surprise gift. Can’t wait until the recipient gets it!

Get crafting, kids.

Wine not? It’s officially fall

Last Tuesday marked one of my favorite days – the first day of autumn. My life has been crazy in all directions lately, but I’m trying to slow down and crunch the leaves. Here’s ode to autumn things, number two.

First, nail polish.

I bought this burgundy shade on sale this summer and now it is appropriate and not goth to wear. Also, the name is a great pun and might be my new motto in life. Wine not?

Sally Hansen Salon in Wine Not?

Second, my new favorite wine.

My aunt got me this treasure at Trader Joe’s. It’s a organic, sulfite-free red wine that gives a shout out to book lovers. Are you reading my mind, TJ?

Third, a silly accessory.

I always had a beef with Hollywood’s portrayal of fall and the quaint way us Midwesterners layer things in cold weather. They are like, “oh, how cute, it gets cold and you wear fuzzy things.” In other words they put an actor in a thin, fashionable coat and a pair of mittens and pretend like that’s winterizing a wardrobe. Pshaw. Yet I find myself buying these fashion-y fall accessories that someone in L.A. most likely designed.

Thus, I bought this floral hat. I thought I could wear it on Saturdays and Sundays when bright sunlight isn’t my friend and my hair is only 30% clean and 70% beer-scented. I pray it doesn’t turn me into an Olsen twin.

Fedora from Le Target

Next autumn post will be baking themed. Yay for pumpkin everything!

Bibbidi Bobbidi Blog

I have some ethical issue with Disney, but I can’t deny Alan Menken and Tim Rice are geniuses. No matter what I think of the messages embedded in Disney’s movies, I can’t help but sing along to their dang catchy songs.

Top 5 Songs From My Favorite Disney Films

1. Part of Your World – The Little Mermaid

Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun. She knows gadgets and gizmos just aren’t enough; she needs feet to win her man. She should know that they do reprimand their daughters out of the sea, though. We’re not lawless people, Ari.

2. A Whole New World – Aladdin

Tell me, Princess, just when did you last let your heart decide? I want a personal genie who does a Jack Nicholson impression. Ok it’s schmaltzy, but wouldn’t a shining, shimmering, splendid magic carpet ride by the Sphinx win you over too?

3. Belle- Beauty and the Beast

Little town full of little people waking up to say…Bonjour! Poor girl is misunderstood for being a bookworm! Of course I empathized with her poor, provincial life.

4. Just Around the Riverbend- Pocohontas

What I love most about rivers is you can’t step in the same river twice. I love a girl who can really paddle her way through some rapids. Sure, she’s worried about being set up with some boring chief. I kind of thought Pokes (nickname?) was being a little picky. Kocoum has cheekbones that could cut glass. Swoon.

5. Circle of Life – The Lion King

It’s the circle of life and it moves us all through despair and hope through faith and love. I remember seeing the trailer for this movie. The drum beat at the end of the song was epic. I knew this movie would be spiritual since Africa is the motherland. I don’t care that I have European roots. Also Rafiki is probably the best primate witch doctor you could hope for.

Sorry for the lack of image- I hear Disney takes infants to court for copyright infringement.

Well Seasoned

I’m seasonally obsessed.  As in, I am captivated by seasons. I can’t imagine places that have one type of weather all year. You know what place has the same kind of weather all year? Hell! (That just goes to show.)

Autumn is my favorite time of the year. I don’t want it to feel like autumn all year because that would be boring. The joy of seasons is the change. Namely, the change of footwear I get to purchase. Ok, the natural changes are really what attracts me, but I like the wardrobe mix up too. So below is ode number one to fall ‘09. Won’t be the last.

I want these:

And I want this:

I’m told I will not get the latter. Phooey.